


So Maybe I Wasn't Acting Like Myself Just Now

by apollojolras, Red_City



Series: You're the One That I Want [5]
Category: Castle
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Arguing, Bleachers, Boys In Love, Cafetería, Canon Pairing, Cheerleaders, Confusion, Crossover, Grease - Freeform, High School, M/M, New School, Non-Canon Pairing, Oops, Pink Ladies, Snark, T-Birds, Yelling, airport, boys, change of plans, eventual make up, it's gonna be bad guys, make out, new characters - Freeform, so many feels, summer lovin, surprise, unexpected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-12 02:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollojolras/pseuds/apollojolras, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_City/pseuds/Red_City
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin's family stays in America last minute, unbeknowst to Javier. Kevin expects the Javier he fell for over the summer, and Javier doesn't exactly come through. There is angst, there is drama, and later there will be fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bell

**Author's Note:**

> You don't HAVE to read the other works in this series to enjoy this fic, but it will make it a hell of a lot easier.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~ANNOUNCEMENT!!~  
> We are releasing a version of this fic on Google Drive with the thrilling experience of the Author Commentary, for those who are interested in reading it. Please look at [this document](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1D9kZYck3YdZvrtsj7zGalpTUdKJx21bBZ1Tf0Zo6jmQ/viewform?usp=send_form) for more information! Thanks!

Chapter 1:

_“Javier, ahora!”_

Javier woke for the third time that morning to his mother yelling through his closed door. He opened his eyes and looked at the clock. 7:17 AM. He groaned.

It was the first day of school, and Javier couldn’t think of anything else he wanted to do LESS than go. pulled his arm across his face and felt the soft material of the shirt he had been holding in his sleep again. It had been a long, slow, torturous day since Kevin had flown away and Javier still couldn’t motivate himself to do anything.

Now, however, he didn’t have much of a choice. He had to get up to be at school by 8. He pulled the shirt up to his face and breathed deeply, relishing the mixed scents of Jenny’s detergent and Kevin’s cologne. He could tell that it was fading, the combination of time and the fact that he couldn’t stop rubbing it all over his face making it hard to smell anymore. He sighed heavily and sat up, letting it fall onto the pillow.

Carla had left for work already - she didn’t have to go back to school for another 2 weeks and had taken a second job at the post office for extra cash - so the bathroom was, thankfully, all his. He sullenly stepped into the shower, twisting the knob until the heat started to wake him up. All he could think about was the fact that Kevin wasn’t here anymore. Kevin wouldn’t be at the beach. Kevin wouldn’t be at the diner, or enrolling at school, or anywhere. The thought alone made Javier’s gut twist painfully. He thought to himself that Kevin got the better end of the deal, going back to Ireland. Kevin had a whole world that Javier hadn’t touched, but Javier was left in his old world with an obvious Kevin-shaped hole.

Drying off and going back into his room he searched his closet for his old leather jacket. _Time to suit up,_ he thought to himself, even though going back and pretending he was the same person was going to be practically impossible. How was he going to explain to the guys what had happened? How would he be able to tell Kate that he had fallen - that he had met someone? A BOY someone? What would they say?

He resolved rather quickly to not bring it up and maybe glance over the details if anyone asked. They didn’t need to know because they wouldn’t understand, and Javier didn’t want to have to deal with them looking at him any differently than they used to. He knew he was the head honcho in their little group, he had stopped denying it years ago. So what happens when the pack leader decides he doesn’t want to lead anymore? Javier shook his head to try and get rid of the thoughts piling on top of one another.

He’d figure it out at school - he didn’t know what they would think, but...maybe they wouldn’t even ask.

 

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

 

“Honey,

are you sure you want to go today, you haven’t slept in a - “

“Ma!

Yes! Stop asking me!”

“They’ll understand if you don’t show up, it’s just the first day - “

“Ma.”

Kevin stopped in the middle of searching his suitcase for a pen. Alana stood in the doorway, and her brow was wrinkled with worry.

“Mam, I can’t not go. I - I have to see him. I thought - I thought I wasn’t gonna see him again for - for - a long time. And now I can, and I can’t just sit here all day. I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to.”

“Okay, okay, Kevin. I’m just worried about you.”

“I know, ma.”

Alana came over and gave her son a kiss on the forehead, smiling as he brushed her off to continue pulling things out of his suitcase.

 

 

They had gotten to the airport the previous night with plenty of time, said their final goodbyes to John O’Malley, Jenny’s dad, as he dropped them off, and had waited in line at security for a good hour. Kevin was a wreck, overly tired and trying to keep himself from thinking about - well, thinking about anything, really. Their first flight was to Washington D.C, and they arrived at about 6AM and had a four hour layover. It wasn't worth going anywhere, so they stayed in the airport, napping on chairs and sipping on coffee. Kevin tried anything to keep himself distracted - a book, a movie - but to no avail. Thoughts of Javier kept leaking into his mind.

Not soon enough, they were heading to their gate. When they got to the front of the line at security, the man who took their IDs and tickets frowned, and handed them back.

"There's a problem," he stated simply.

"I'm sorry, what?" Alana asked, edging closer and closer to frustration.

"Can you folks come with me?"

Kevin followed his parents mindlessly. They went over to another desk, and then another desk, and then were put in a room for a while, and both of his parents were upset about it and arguing with each other. Kevin wasn't paying any attention to what they were saying - he couldn't find himself to care.

Hours later, they had missed their flight out of the country and it was approaching afternoon. They were shown into another room, in which his mother had another argument with another man in a suit, and then they were put into ANOTHER room.

"Ma'am, we'd be happy to pay for you and your family to sleep a few hours in the hotel next door while we try to figure out all of these politics. I understand your family hasn't been able to sleep in over a day. At this point, we don't know much more and there isn't anything we can do until we hear back from overseas."

Kevin looked up at the new suit explaining the current predicament to his very angry, very forceful mother. She tapped her foot, hands on her hips and lips tight in what Kevin privately called her 'hellfire stance.'

"Fine. That'll do for right now. Will you please inform us the moment you get word?"

"Of course, ma'am. We are so sorry for the inconvenience."

The three of them walked over to the hotel across the street from the airport and Kevin slumped on to the bed the moment they were in the room.

"Kevin, honey, I'm sorry about all this," Alana said, rubbing his back.

Kevin still didn't know exactly what was wrong with their trip, or why they had been delayed, but he couldn't find himself caring enough to ask. All he knew that he was in the same country as Javier but couldn't go see him. He didn't bother to text Javier and tell him what was going on because, first off, it would only give him false hope, and secondly, he couldn't think of anything to say.

He slept fitfully, no really getting any real rest. They dozed through the day and then were called back to the airport to meet with some International somebody or other. Kevin was left out in the hall while his parents talked with the airport people. He played on his phone for a while, laying across the chairs, and he must have fallen asleep because he woke to his father shaking his shoulder.

"Kevin - Kevin, son, wake up. We're going back. We're going back to California to stay with the O’Malleys - “

"What?!" Kevin said, shooting straight up, almost knocking James off his feet.

"They're putting us on a plane in an hour - we’ll be back in California by midnight.”

“We’re going back? Why? What happened?” Kevin was trying to keep the manic feeling that was taking over his chest out of his voice.

“There are apparently problems with our travel papers, passports, everything that one could possibly need to leave the country, ours aren’t qualifying for some bullshit unknown reason,” Alana came up behind her husband. 

“Alana,” James said, his tone almost disapproving, but mostly tired. 

“Are - how long are we staying?” Kevin asked, not even trying to hide his hope.

“We don’t know, sweetheart. At the moment, indefinitely.”

Kevin blinked at his mother’s words. He stood up, grabbed his laptop case, and pulled it onto his shoulder.

“Let’s go,” he said, and started walking out towards the terminals, hands shaking.

Alana shot James a look, a secret smile peeking out beneath her anger and exhaustion.

“Maybe this isn’t so bad after all,” James said quietly, and he tucked his wife under his arm as they strolled after their son.

 

Now, Kevin still couldn’t stop shaking. They had gotten back to Jenny’s house at about 2AM, a full day after they had taken off in the first place. Kevin had originally tried to sleep, but couldn’t turn off his brain. He felt electrified. 

“Have you texted him yet?” Jenny asked, leaning against the doorframe as he lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  
“No.”

“Why not?”

“I - I don’t know what to say. I want to surprise him tomorrow.”

“You’re going to school tomorrow?” Jenny asked, eyebrows raising.

“Yeah. There’s no way I’m not going. My mom talked to your mom, and she knows someone in the office there and they could just slip me in before the classes start this morning since it’s the first day.”

“Holy shit. He’s gonna flip. I wish I went there too - I want to see his face.”

“Me too,” Kevin whispered. 

It was now 7:30 AM, and Kevin was standing by the door, picking at his hair in the hallway mirror. Alana was talking with Jenny’s mom, Melanie, and he tried not to roll his eyes as they laughed over their tea. He wanted to GO.

“Ma?” He called.

“Coming, Kev. Gee, if only you had been this eager for the last 11 years of your public education. Or ‘public execution,’ as you lovingly referred to it as during - what year was that….sophomore?” 

“Junior. Let’s GO.”

“Okay, okay, let me grab my purse. Thanks again for letting us use the car, Mel,” Alana waved her hands at Kevin as she stepped down the hall towards her bedroom.

“Sure, Alana, anytime,” Melanie called, and came out to the front room with Kevin.

“Sweetheart, I know you’re excited but - just be careful, okay?”

“Sure, Aunt Mel. Sure,” Kevin said, not really listening.

Melanie smiled at his distracted reply and kissed him on the cheek. He didn’t even flinch.

“Okay, me boyo - let’s go,” Alana said, rattling the keys in her hand.

“Finally,” Kevin mumbled, but he was smiling as he ran to the car.

 

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

 

“And here he is, the man himself, ladies and gents, take a seat because ESPO IS IN THE HIZOOOUSE!”

Javier shot a grin at Royce, yelling at the top of his lungs from the bleachers. He shifted his bag higher on his shoulder as he made his way across the track field and climbed the steps to join the rest of his group.

“Royce, Dem - how have you shit heads been?” Javier asked as he shook hands with Royce and then with Demming. Demming immediately started to protest being called a shit head, but Javier was already moving over to hug Beckett hello.

“Espo, how are you?” She asked, smiling as she broke away. God, Javier had missed her. He couldn’t say as much without looking stupid, but he hoped she understood the look.

“Doin’ all right, doin’ alright. Stop pouting, Dem, I don’t really think you’re a shit head.”

“I know, but wow man, wound a brother. I haven’t seen you in three damn months and that’s the first thing you said?” Demming brushed a hand through his hair, puffing smoke out of lips. He offered the box of cigarettes he had to Javier.

“Aw, Dem-Dem...did you miss me?” Javier asked, slinging his bag onto the bench beside him, but declining the smoke.

“Shut up,” Demming replied, but he was grinning.

“So what did you do all summer, Espo? These idiots already told me all their lies of chasing chicks, but I’m pretty sure their virginities are still safe behind their awful haircuts,” Beckett said, flipping the collar up on her leather jacket. All four of them were wearing their signature jackets - around school, they were nicknamed _Los Pájaros._ They always wore their black leather jackets, and they were always together. Beckett took the a cigarette out of Demming’s mouth and took a drag on it, grinning meanly at the way his eyes widened.

“Ay! I lost that little cherry long ago, Becks, in the shed of Lucy McClaren’s dad’s backyard. What a night,” Royce said, leaning back on the bleachers. He had his own cigarette, flicking ash onto the seat next to him.

“Yeah, I’m sure you lasted all of 10 seconds,” Espo said, and Demming and Beckett laughed. He really had missed his group, but he still felt empty. Stretched out too thin, and the only person who could fix that was thousands of miles from here.

“What did you do, Becks?” Javier asked, trying to get his mind off of his woe and his friends distracted from asking him about his summer.

“Me and my dad hit up the east coast - we went from New York to Orlando.”  
“And yet, you didn’t get me a present, babe,” Demming said, smiling up at her.

“Dem, I suggest you keep your trap shut unless you’d like a repeat of what happened last time you called me that,” Beckett said, glaring, still holding Demming’s cigarette.

Demming smiled in response, and then mimed sealing his lips with a zipper. Beckett rolled her eyes, blowing smoke upwards.

“I went all the way to Kearney, Nebraska, in case anyone was interested!” Royce said, banging a fist on the metal of the bench. “I was so bored I thought I was gonna die, there is fuck-all nothing to do in Nebraska. Though that also meant there were lots of girls who were bored out of their minds too…” he said, smiling, and Demming held up a fist to bump against Royce’s.

“I can think of lots of things I’d rather do than shack up with you idiots. Even in Nebraska. Cow tipping. Watching corn grow. You know, basically anything,” Kate said, but she was smiling. 

“I was stuck at my step-dad’s house in San Fran all summer. My mom pulled the whole it’s-the-last-summer-I’ll-have-you bullshit. AGAIN,” Demming said. “Espo? You got any good stories?”

“Nah, I just stayed around here.”

“What? No adventures? No girls?”

Esposito hesitated for a second, and that was all the boys needed. 

“Ooooh, he did!”

“Tell me about it bro, was she hot?”

“Please tell me you got some, you smooth motherfucker.”

“Who was it?” Beckett asked, putting a stop to Royce and Demming’s crowing. 

“Nobody, don’t worry about it,” Javier said, glancing over at the buildings to their left.

“Come on man, you gotta give us something,” Royce said punching him lightly in the shoulder. 

Then the bell rang, saving him.

“Don’t think you’re gettin out of this, man, Royce said, giving him the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture.

“Yeah, Espo,” Beckett said, hitting his other shoulder. “I wanna hear.”

“Geez, guys, shut up already. Get to class. Don’t wanna be late on the very first day of school,” Espo said, making his way down the stairs. 

“Yeah, yeah, oh boy, please can I?” Royce said, and grudgingly ground his cigarette beneath the heel of his shoe. Beckett laughed and they broke off in the direction of their first classes. Javier was safe - for now. He would have to come up with some sort of believable story before lunch. 

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

 

“Kevin, you actually have to come inside the room,” Alana said, pulling on Kevin’s shirt. He was leaning his head out into the hallway, scanning the people. Looking for a certain someone, she knew. Kevin sighed and pulled himself back into the little front room of the main offices at the school. The principal had given the all clear, and now Kevin was able to attend classes, but not without paperwork and long, drawn out explanations. 

“Okay, Kevin, I’ve asked Elaine here to give you a sort of tour of the school - you’re both in all the same classes except for 6th period,” the woman behind the desk said, handing Kevin a folder. A girl came up next to him and stuck out a hand, nails painted red, a dozen golden bracelets jangling on her wrist. 

“Hey, I’m Lanie,” she said, smiling at him. “Not Elaine. Never Elaine.”

“Got it,” Kevin said, shaking her hand. He turned to Alana, who was watching with a small smile. “Okay, mom, thanks. I’ll see you this afternoon.” He reached out an arm to hug her, and then Lanie was pulling him by his backpack strap into the hallway. She took the folder out of his hand and started flipping through it. 

“Shit, son, Ireland? That’s a hell of long way from here. Where’s your accent?”

“Uh, I was born here, learned to talk here, so no accent. Though I have a pretty good imitation.”

Lanie was already moving on to the next question. “Why are you staying?”

“Uh, paperwork - “

“Do you know anybody here yet?”

“Do you know Jenny O’Malley?”

That made Lanie stop abruptly and turn to Kevin. “Yeah, why? Do you?”

“She’s my cousin.”

“Ooooh okay, cool. Yeah, we went to middle school together, I still see her sometimes. She doesn’t go here, though.”

Kevin wanted to ask about Javier, but he didn’t know Lanie yet. Didn’t know if he wanted her to know about what Javier meant. 

“Okay,” Lanie said, stopping again in front of a door. “Our first class is here, and the next one is in the building over. Everything today will be boring, what-did-you-do-all-summer, this-year-I-expect, blah blah blah bullshit, excuse my French. After that we’ll get lunch and I’ll introduce you to my ladies. You’ll like them.”

“Uh, okay.”

 

Sitting down at the lunch table later, Kevin was confronted by something he had not been expecting. Lanie was dressed in tight, dark jeans and a flashy red jacket, jewelry dripping from every part of her body. She had dark lipstick and a lip piercing and looked dangerous, though she was actually really nice. ‘Her ladies,’ as she had called them earlier, were the complete opposite. 

Gina was a bubbly, bright, almost obnoxious sort of personality with the typical blonde hair and pink outfit. She was also a cheerleader, which surprised Kevin to no end. The other girl, Alexis, was more of an in-between of the two; she was a cheerleader as well, and had reddish-blonde hair swept up in a high ponytail, but she also had half a dozen cartilage piercings, a nose ring, and dark eye makeup. They were an unexpected and strange trio, but Kevin found himself mesmerized and more and more thankful that Lanie had been asked to show him the ropes. He couldn’t exactly follow their conversation, as it involved lots of names of people he didn’t know, but at least he wasn’t alone. Kevin found himself tuning out and roaming his eyes over the people in the cafeteria, searching for a particular face. He had to be here somewhere. Kevin knew he could always just text him, but that would ruin the surprise. 

“ - do this summer?” Gina was asking him, and he realized that Lanie was poking his arm. 

“Earth to Kevin,” she said. “Did you hear anything we just said?”

“This summer?” Kevin asked. “Uh, well, I spent most of it at the beach.”

“Uh, I’m jealous. I had to go visit my grandparents in freakin’ OHIO for almost two months. It was terrible,” Gina said, flipping her hair back.

“I went to the beach too, but in Florida. Met a lot of hotties there too - did you meet anyone, Kevin?” Lanie asked, turning towards him. He blushed.

“Oh, he did!” Lanie said, smiling.

“Any cute girls?” Gina asks, and Kevin blushes looking down at the table. He didn’t know exactly what to say because he had only just met these girls, but he decides at the last second to tell the truth.

“Ah, well, no, not - I mean...” Kevin says, his sentence stuttering off. Lanie and Alexis share a look, and Lanie pats his arm resting on the table.

“Honey, don’t worry about it, we just didn’t want to assume. Tell us all about the boy.”

Kevin looked up in surprise, and grinned at Alexis, who was smiling across at him.

“Tell us about it,” Alexis said.

“Well, I mean, I don’t want to brag, but - it was really great. Like really, really great.”

“Details, boy, details!” Lanie said, poking his shoulder a couple of times.

Kevin looked around the room once more, just in case.

 

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

“Guys, come on.”

The _Pájaros_ were back out on the bleachers where they had met that morning. 

“Just tell us about it, man, you always get the best girls!” Royce said.

“That’s because he’s the only one worth anything, Roycie,” Beckett said, pushing lightly on his back.

“Shut up, Becks, we all know he’s your favorite,” Royce said, pushing back.

“Espo, come on man, are you in love with her or something? Just spit it out!” Demming said, and Javier ran a hand over his hair to try and hide his face flushing. 

“Fine, fine! I met hi - _her_ \- at the beach,” he started, knowing that if he didn’t make something up they wouldn’t let it go.

“Ooh, down in the sand,” Demming said. 

“Shut up,” Kate said, and leaned forward. “Continue.”

“H - _she_ tripped, literally fell right in my lap. These eyes, man, I can’t even tell you,” Espo started. Beckett quirked an eyebrow, and Royce looked confused.  
“AND she was smokin’, like crazy hot.”

“That’s what I’m talking about man,” Demming said.

“Did you, ah, get very far, Espo? Eh? Did she get frisky with you?” Royce asked, waving his hands in an hourglass shape.

“Dude, come on, who wouldn’t?” Espo said, a fake smile stretching his lips. Beckett was still staring, looking unconvinced, and it was starting to worry him.

“It was good, you know what I mean? And h - she had this pattern of freckles, right over her, ya know?” Espo said, knowing it would gain him points with the guys, gesturing to his chest. Beckett finally looked away, if only to roll her eyes as Demming howled like a wolf. “She was Irish, man, and let me tell you - that fire ain’t no rumor.”

Now Espo knew he was getting in too deep, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself.

“We spent like everyday at the beach, and she was SO into me it was ridiculous.”

“Duuuude, you are one lucky bastard,” Royce said, smiling. 

“It took a while for me to break her in, but boys, it was worth it,” Javier said, his own words making himself feel sick. He looked up at Beckett, who was frowning at him, halfway in disapproval and halfway in concern. He looked away.

“What about you, Beckett?” Royce asked, and Javier almost deflated with relief. “Who did you bang this summer?”

“None of your business, thank you very much,” she answered, kicking him lightly.

“AKA no one,” he said, and smiled.

“Aw, baby, you were saving yourself for me, weren’t you?” Demming asked, leaning back against Beckett’s legs. She looked down, almost amused, and then shifted her feet fast enough so that Demming wasn’t expecting it and fell backwards, banging his shoulders against the metal bench.

“OW! Fuck, Beckett, why’d you have to do that?!” He shouted, and Royce was laughing his head off. Javier made himself crack a smile, but he didn’t feel it. He suddenly had an overwhelming urge to get away - get away from these people and the lies he had told them. He stood.

“Espo, where are you going?” Beckett asked.

“Gotta do something, don’t worry about it,” he said, and practically launched himself off the steps, crossing the field with purpose, ignoring Beckett’s call after him. He didn’t know where he was going, but he needed to get away.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

 

“It was - okay, this will sound super cliche, but it was perfect. I literally fell into his lap, and then we just started hanging out, and then - well, then he asked me to kiss him, and I did, and - and it was perfect.”

“Ooh, baby. What’s he look like?” Lanie asked, leaning in.

“Oh, he’s gorgeous. He’s taller than me by just a little bit, Mexican, broad shoulders, brown eyes...perfect lips. Like, weirdly perfect lips.”

“Sounds like a dream,” Gina said, leaning on her hand. “Was it romantic?”

“Yeah, actually, though you wouldn’t expect it, looking at him,” Kevin said, smiling at the memory. “We watched a lot of sunsets, which was perfect. He held my hand first. And we made out a lot. It was great, it was - “

“Perfect?” Lanie asked, a laugh hidden in her words.

“Well...yeah,” Kevin said, sure he was blushing. “I’m actually pretty sure he goes - “

He was cut of by the bell ringing. The three girls stood along with everyone else in the room, the noise growing almost by double as students started to go to their classes.

“Kev, come on, we’ve got World History next. Time to learn about who murdered who for what piece of land,” Lanie said, smirking.

Kevin smiled at her, dumping his lunch tray on the way out, following her into the crowd. Gina and Alexis waved goodbye to them and got lost in the sea of people. Kevin couldn’t help his eyes searching for him, for his perfect hair and cinnamon skin and contagious smile.

He got through the rest of the day without incident, Lanie leading him around everywhere. He would never be able to remember all of the rooms and halls and schedule changes. Thankfully, Lanie said he could follow her for as long as he needed. When the final bell rang at the end of the day, Lanie twisted around in her desk to face Kevin, who had taken a seat behind her, and tapped her nails on his desk.

“Whatcha doin tonight, Kevin?

“Uh, I’m not sure yet, I - “

“Good, we’re all going down to Moe’s to get ice cream. You gotta come, meet the rest of everyone.”

“The rest?” 

“Oh yeah. They’ll love you,” she said, smiling in a way that made Kevin question whether she was being sarcastic or truthful.

“Okay, sure.” 

The two of them stood and started walking down the hallway towards the main parking lot, Lanie talking about some new seating arrangement Moe’s had put up to accommodate their continual presence. Apparently, she and her group had spent the last 3 years griping about not having enough seating to the owner and he had finally installed 3 more tables outside the little shop.

“What has his name, anyway? If he was around here, maybe I know him.”

“What?” Kevin asked, having zoned out while she was talking. 

“Your summer boy, what’s his name?”

“Oh yeah, actually, I think he goes here - I’ve been meaning to ask you. Javi - Javier Esposito?”

Lanie stopped in her tracks, and Kevin nearly ran into her. 

“What?” She said, turning to him, eyes wide.

“Uh, Javier? Esposito?” Kevin repeated, not liking the look on her face.

“Oh. My. God.”


	2. The Mistake

The boys and Beckett hadn’t brought up the summer again since the first day, or how he had stomped off the field with no explanation. Javier was sure that Beckett had told them to keep their mouths shut, and for that he was grateful. It wouldn’t last long, though.

Tonight was the school’s big bonfire, traditionally later in the semester but the football schedule had gone all wacky this year, so it was on the third day of school. The _Pájaros_ were planning on hanging out in the parking lot, far enough away to not be a part of the festivities, but close enough to make fun of the cheerleading squad and overly enthusiastic freshman. Demming had swiped a bottle of wine from his mother’s cabinet, and the four of them were sharing it, so no one was really feeling the effect. Javier wanted to just down the whole thing to get his mind to stop running, but then there would be questions he didn’t want to answer.

“Hey, Espo,” Beckett said softly, coming up next to him. Royce and Demming were running back and forth across the lot, pretending to throw a football and imitating the jocks. Javier was leaning up against his piece of junk car, watching the bonfire out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey, Becks.”

“So, ah, are you gonna ever explain yourself?”

Jaiver took in a long breath, not meeting her eyes. He didn’t want to tell her, and he wanted to tell her so badly. What would she say? What would the guys say? What would everyone say?

“Yo, Espo, gimme a chance, here.” Beckett came around to face him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “What’s really going on?”

“This summer - didn’t go like I said,” he started, and she raised a neatly shaped eyebrow.   
“And?” She prompted, putting pressure on his arm. “You didn’t meet a girl? Big deal.”

“Well, I didn’t meet a _girl,_ ” Jaiver said, dragging out the word and hoping Beckett got the message. She just looked at him for a moment, not getting it, and then realization dawned in her eyes.

“Oh. OH,” she said, stepping backwards. “Oh.”

“Don’t freak out, Becks, it’s not a -”

“Big deal,” she finished for him, nodding. “I know it’s not, I just didn’t know you were - you’re -”

“I didn’t know either until I met...until I met him.”

“Javi, why didn’t you say anything before?”

“In front of Demming? And Royce? They would - they would just -”

“They’d get the fuck over it,” Beckett said, and Javier shot her a surprised look. “Javi, you think we like you just because you’re cool?”

Javier snorted, and Beckett hit him in the arm. 

“You’re such an idiot sometimes.”

Javier didn’t say anything, just smiled at her. He knew that Beckett meant it, but still was worried about telling the others. And no doubt it would get around the whole school that the leader of the pack, the great Esposito, liked sucking -

“Where’s Esposito?” He heard, and looked up. Beckett looked up at the same time, and tilted her head around the car they were behind, trying to see who it was. 

“Lanie and the girls,” she said, with a wry smile. “No doubt here to cause trouble.”

“As usual,” Javier agreed.

Beckett popped the collar of her leather jacket and started to move around the car, but Javier caught her wrist to stop her.

“Hey, Kate,” he said, and her head titled. They only used first names when they were really serious. “Thank you...for...you know.”

“Careful, Espo, the boys are gonna think you’ve gone soft,” she said, but she was smiling, and quicker than he would register she pecked him on the cheek and grinned, running around the car. 

“Ey!” He shouted, and ran after her, turning the corner and nearly running into Lanie and - and -

“Kevin?” He gasped, frozen in his tracks. His feet had stopped moving so fast that he almost fell over. _Kevin,_ he thought. _I’m dreaming. I must be dreaming._

Kevin Ryan, sure enough, stood in front of him, next to Lanie, completing the circle of all Javier’s high school friends and KEVIN. Javier had a weird surreal moment where he thought he was hallucinating because it was so impossible that it couldn’t be real, Kevin standing among this crowd, in this place, standing right in front of Javier, close enough that he could take a step and _touch_ him if he wanted to, he was RIGHT THERE - 

“Javi?” Kevin said, sounding breathless as well. “Javier! Holy shit, Lanie, why didn’t you tell me that - oh I don’t care, Javi, come here -” Kevin said, and before Javier knew it he was enveloped in a hug, warmth seeping through his clothes. Kevin felt so right in his arms, so perfect, and he smelled like KEVIN, and Javier could feel his eyes tearing up and he held on for a moment, held on like he wouldn’t let go.

And then Royce coughed.

Javier’s eyes nearly shot out of his head when he realized he was still standing in the school parking lot, surrounded by his friends who thought he was _beyond straight,_ hugging a guy they’d never seen before. Javier Esposito didn’t hug people, especially guys. Javier Esposito also didn’t fucking CRY in front of people, or at all, and Javier Esposito needed to back the fuck up right now.

That’s what he told himself as he roughly released Kevin and took a few steps backwards, tilting his head and shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

“Yo, Kevin, I didn’t think you’d be here,” he said, and his eyes flicked nervously over to Royce and Demming. Royce had a burning cigarette hanging out of his mouth and Demming was chewing on a toothpick or something. Both looked a little too interested for Javier’s liking. Beckett was standing a little to the left of them, watching Javier with an unreadable expression.

“Javi? Wha - what’s the matter? Javier, look at me,” Kevin said, wrinkling his forehead.

“That’s my name, bro, don’t wear it out.”

“Bro?” Kevin said, incredulously. “Did you just call me bro?”

“You got a problem, bro? Find somebody else to care.”

Royce laughed, and elbowed Demming in the side. Javier looked at Lanie for the first time, a hand covering her mouth. She looked angry, and Javier was all too familiar with that face.

“Javier, I don’t understand,” Kevin said, and his voice broke. It was all Javier had in him to not rush across the circle and take him in his arms again. Javier didn’t know what he was doing - it was like he was watching himself do this, say those things, but he couldn’t make himself stop.

“Don’t understand what?” He said, lifting his lips in what he was sure Kevin would know to be a fake grin. “Can I help you, sir?”

“Lanie, who is this guy?” Royce asked, pulling his cigarette out of his mouth, handing it to Demming, who took a drag and then offered it to Javier. Javier took it, watching Kevin’s eyes widen as he sucked down a lungful and blew it out over his left shoulder.

“Uh, this is Kevin. He moved here from Ireland. I’ve been showing him around and - and he said he knew Espo,” she replied, putting a hand on Kevin’s arm. “Kevin, this is - this is Javier Esposito, you know him..I guess..and this is Kate Beckett, Royce, and Demming.”

“What, we not important for first names, Lanie baby?”

“No, you’re not, and you call me baby again I will shove this nicely manicured nail into your pretty little eyeball, Royce.”

“Raawr,” Royce meowed, miming a cat scratching.

Kevin was still staring at Javier, who was staring at the asphalt at his feet, still holding the cigarette in his hand. He was caught between taking another drag just for something to do and crushing it beneath his boot.

There was an uncomfortable silence, and Javier flicked his eyes up, knowing that his gut would twist again when he met Kevin’s eyes.

“What are you staring at, bro?” He heard himself say, and then couldn’t help reaching a hand out when Kevin flinched backwards. 

“Just didn’t know you smoked,” Kevin said, voice hoarse. His face was now a stony mask, eyes hard.

“Yeah, well, we’ve all got secrets.”

“Apparently,” Kevin said and Javier looked back down at the ground.

“Kevin, let’s go back over to the bonfire. The girls are about to do their cheerleading thing,” Lanie said, pulling on Kevin’s arm. He hesitated for a second, and then turned, walking away from the group. Javier didn’t look up until he was sure he was gone.

“Who was that guy, Espo?” Demming asked.

“Just some guy I know, Dem, shut up,” Javier mumbled, finally dropping the cigarette on the ground.

“Espo -” Kate started, but he shook his head once and she stopped.

“Sorry, kids, gotta go,” Javier said, turning back towards his piece of shit of car and and unlocking the door.

“Espo, you’re my ride man! It’s not even 11 yet!”

“Shut up Demming,” he said and slammed the door behind him.

“What the hell is his problem?” Javier heard Royce ask, and Beckett said, “I really don’t know.”

He swung the car around, nearly hitting one of the parking lot lights, and sped off, making himself not turn towards the bonfire to search the crowd for Kevin. 

“Why?!” He shouted out loud to himself. “Why the FUCK did you do that?”

Angry tears started running down his cheeks as he turned a corner. He sped past a stop sign, and saw headlights out of the corner of his eye. A car horn went off, loud and too close, and Javier barely stopped in time. The other car beeped again and he was pretty sure someone flipped him off through the window. His foot still heavy on the brake, he gasped for air, gripping the steering wheel and unable to stop from crying. He sat there for who knows how long, breathing, eyes wide, going over the scene in his head over and over and over.

Kevin was here, Kevin was HERE, and Javier had taken exactly 15 seconds to fuck up the best thing he’d ever had.


	3. The Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin's side of The Mistake (the last chapter).

“So you know him?” Kevin asked, leaning up against the fence outside the school. The bonfire was raging, and Lanie was finishing her ice cream cone. The two of them had met Gina and Alexis at Moe’s, and now they were watching the other two perform their cheerleading routine. Lanie had refused to explain her reaction to Javier’s name until they were alone again.

“Yes, yes I do. Ha. I can’t believe this.”

“What? You’re kind of freaking me out, Lanie, like, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, nothing, it’s just - unexpected. Esposito is...well...he’s kind of a legend here.”

“Legend?”  
“Sort of? Everyone know who he is, but he’s not exactly popular. He’s just one of the really cool kids.”

“Okay, I don’t understand why that’s bad -”

“It’s not! It’s not bad, it’s just - it’s just unexpected.”

“Lanie,” Kevin started, and Lanie shot him a look. 

“Okay, listen. Espo - I mean, Javier - he might not seem the same as he did over the summer.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He and I dated for a while, like 2 years ago,” Lanie said. Kevin quirked an eyebrow and remembered Javier saying something about having an old girlfriend who was still a pretty good friend. 

“You’re still friends?” He asked, wondering.

“Oh yeah, totally, just - I know how sweet he is. In the relationship. Outside, not so much.”

“Sure, Lanie. Whatever you say.”

Lanie could tell Kevin was not convinced, and turned back towards the bonfire, biting her lip. Soon enough, Gina and Alexis came over, and they started asking where the Birds were. Kevin was confused as to why they were talking about birds.

“The birds?” He asked, and Alexis tilted her head. 

“Oh, sorry, Kevin, I mean Kate and the guys. You haven’t met them yet, I forgot. Technically, they call themselves the Pajaros, but everyone just calls them the Birds. That’s what it means in Spanish anyway.”

“They’re probably over in the parking lot where they always hang out. Too cool for school,” Gina said, picking at her fingernails.

“Let’s go,” Alexis said, and Kevin followed her, a rather reluctant Lanie close behind him. 

They walked over, and Kevin saw a couple guys running around a car parked on the far side of the lot. Someone else leaned against the other side, but he couldn’t see who. Both guys wore leather jackets, despite the warm weather, and were cackling loudly as they ran back and forth. When one of them caught sight of Gina waving, they stopped and met them by the car. 

“Good evening, fair ladies,” the taller of the two said, bowing low. The other guy snickered, and Alexis rolled her eyes. 

“Hi, Demming. Royce. Where’s Esposito?”

Kevin froze.

Javier. Esposito. There was no way that was a coincidence, and judging by the look Lanie was giving him, it wasn’t.

He looked back over at the car as someone walked around it, laughing - it was a girl, with long brown hair and a pretty face, a matching leather jacket on her shoulders. Behind her, running to catch up was - was - 

“Kevin?” Javier breathed out, and stopped in his tracks. They stared at each other for a long moment, and Kevin’s stomach was alive with butterflies, a grin stretching over his face. He had been thinking about this moment since he found out he was staying, and THERE HE WAS, right in front of him, looking beautiful and perfect in the light of the bonfire.

“Javi?” Kevin asked, finally finding his voice. “Javier! Holy shit, Lanie, why didn’t you tell me that - oh I don’t care, Javi, come here -” Kevin said, not being able to keep himself from practically throwing himself into Javier’s arms, breathing in the warmth and smoky scent of his skin and leather jacket. Kevin sunk into the embrace, determined not to let go for a good long while.

Javier seemed to not share his desire, because suddenly he was pulling away, looking down at the ground and backing up, too far away for Kevin to touch. Kevin was confused, and started to ask what was wrong when Javier said, “Yo, Kevin, I didn’t think you’d be here.”

Kevin stopped creasing his brow in continued confusion. Javier looked over to his friends, Kevin had already forgotten their names, and back at the ground.

“Javi? Wha - what’s the matter? Javier, look at me,” Kevin said, not knowing what was going on.

“That’s my name, bro, don’t wear it out,” Javier said, and Kevin almost gasped. He started to shake his head, feeling off -balance. 

“Bro?” Kevin asked out loud, wanting to understand. “Did you just call me bro?” Javier had stopped calling him ‘bro,’ about 2 months into their friendship, and suddenly it was back, and for some reason it was making Kevin uncomfortable.

“You got a problem, bro? Find somebody else to care.”

The hurtful words left Javier’s lips and Kevin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This was nothing like the kind, soft and caring person he knew - he LOVED. What the hell was going on?

One of the other guys laughed at Javier, and all it did was make Kevin’s gut twist painfully.

“Javier, I don’t understand,” Kevin said, and his voice broke. He hated that he wasn’t able to keep it together in front of all these people he didn’t really know, in front of Javier’s friends, but it was just so _wrong,_ he didn’t know what to do. 

“Don’t understand what?” Javier said, “Can I help you, sir?” His smile was fake, and his words were fake, and this person in front of Kevin _was not Javier._

“Lanie, who is this guy?” One of the guys asked, pulling his cigarette out of his mouth and handing it over to the other one. Kevin tried not to let his disgust show on his face, but at the moment he was having a hell of a time handling his emotions. He almost broke down right there on the pavement when the guy handed the cigarette to Javier, and Javier TOOK IT, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke behind him. Kevin was almost sure he was hallucinating, or dreaming, or SOMETHING because everything about this was wrong, wrong, wrong, and he felt slightly dizzy.

“Uh, this is Kevin. He moved here from Ireland. I’ve been showing him around and - and he said he knew Espo,” she replied, putting a hand on Kevin’s arm. “Kevin, this is - this is Javier Esposito, you know him..I guess..and this is Kate Beckett, Royce, and Demming.”

“What, we not important for first names, Lanie baby?” The shorter one asked, Royce, maybe? Kevin didn’t know. He didn’t care.

“No, you’re not, and you call me baby again I will shove this nicely manicured nail into your pretty little eyeball, Royce.”

“Raawr,” Royce meowed, miming a cat scratching. Kevin wasn’t paying attention to their little exchange, he was still staring at Javier, willing the scene before him to change, to make sense, to do something. Javier was staring at the asphalt at his feet, still holding the cigarette in his hand. Kevin wanted to rip it from his hand and shake him, shake this craziness out of him and find the real Javier again.

There was an uncomfortable silence, and Javier finally looked up to meet Kevin’s eyes. Kevin was too far to distinguish the emotions there, but for some reason he felt like Javier was just as freaked out about all this as he was. Kevin started to move towards him again, wanting to figure this out, but stopped short at Javier’s next words. 

“What are you staring at, bro?” Javier asked, and Kevin flinched backwards. No, this was too wrong. This was something that Kevin could not fix, or deal with at the moment. It was then, in the glance that Javier shot his friends before looking down once more, Kevin realized that this was all a show. This was a game to prove to Javier’s buddies that he was cool, he was tough, he was - what had Lanie called him? A legend. Suddenly Kevin was mad, very, very mad, and the anger coursed through him, strengthening his limbs where shock had taken him down. This was all a show, and Kevin wasn’t part of it. Kevin was the loophole, the accident, the thing you didn’t know. Kevin was Javier’s weakness, and Javier cared more about the opinions of these people than he did about Kevin. That thought hit Kevin right in the gut, and he wondered to himself if Javier had ever really loved him at all. Thoughts of Bobby were now flooding through his head - the hiding, and the shame, and now Javier had done exactly the same thing, something Kevin hadn’t thought him capable of. This was betrayal on a whole new level, especially after Kevin shared his fears with Javier.

“Just didn’t know you smoked,” Kevin said, his voice barely above a whisper, knowing he sounded broken. He saw what looked like concern in Javier’s face, but he was too mad to care.

“Yeah, well, we’ve all got secrets,” Javier said, and Kevin wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.

“Apparently,” Kevin said, making his voice harsh, and Javier looked back down at the ground.

“Kevin, let’s go back over to the bonfire. The girls are about to do their cheerleading thing,” Lanie said, pulling on Kevin’s arm. He hesitated for a second. He didn’t want to leave Javier like this - never like this - but Javier had made his choice, and it wasn’t Kevin. He turned, walking away from the group, following Lanie back towards the fire.

“I’m sorry,” he heard Lanie whisper to him. He didn’t respond. They watched the rest of the cheerleading routine in silence, and Lanie’s mom drove him home, and he lay on his bed in Jenny’s house, staring at the ceiling until angry tears started rolling down his cheeks, then he turned into the covers and sobbed. He cried until he had no more tears, and then he fell asleep, still in his clothes. He dreamed about Javier, all night, and in the morning his whole body hurt. He couldn’t feel anything but hurt, down to his soul.


End file.
